Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
did i just pee glitter
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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