Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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