I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
