ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
