dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
