Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
