haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Found your dick twin last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
