I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
