just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
