i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
