You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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