When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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