Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
