Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
