I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
