I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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