I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
