I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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