Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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