i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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