I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
