Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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