Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
