I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
