I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
40s are totally the cure
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
