so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
