Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
