Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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