Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
