Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
