I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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