Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
