i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
