whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
