Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Mom said you looked used
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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