I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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