well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
FUCK WHALES
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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