i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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