if you like me you must not know who I am
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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