I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
