ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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