I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
