My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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