Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
