i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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