I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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