My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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