Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
