Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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