Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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