You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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