My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize