Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
