when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
