I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
