rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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