So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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