You're my little dorito
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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