I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
