halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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