I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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